I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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