two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
