Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
