My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You ruined the universe
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
