VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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