I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
