I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
it's like heaven, but drunker
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sext me about skeletons
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
