Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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