i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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