He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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