final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
