I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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