i think my mom watched the whole time
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
