So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
