Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
