I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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