she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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