That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
