Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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