btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
