That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
