____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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