I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
