My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
