just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
