his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
