My boss' voice literally gives me gas
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
