oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
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A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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