When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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