she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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