Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
How's work?
Spinning.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
