Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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