I just made out with a guy for $7.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
