If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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