I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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