haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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