No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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