Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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