If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
