when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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