I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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