***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
