What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
