I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
