My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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