Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
