just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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