This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
