im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
