she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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