Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
