Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
