last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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