So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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