Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Michael Bay diarrhea
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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