I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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