I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
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I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
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My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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