I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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